Friday Jokes

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Auntie Merge
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Friday Jokes

Post by Auntie Merge » Fri Sep 01, 2017 1:08 pm

Anyone got any jokes? Not excessively rude ones please.

BB-Dagger
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Joined: Mon Feb 03, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Friday Jokes

Post by BB-Dagger » Fri Sep 01, 2017 9:22 pm

Transfer window now closed, Liverpool fans are unhappy they didn't get Bale but they're back in court again Monday to try again.

The Romford Dagger
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by The Romford Dagger » Sun Sep 03, 2017 6:50 am

It's national awareness day next week. I had no idea.

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Auntie Merge
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by Auntie Merge » Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:07 am

:D

Alfred, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Alfred goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Alfred, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Alfred, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

BB-Dagger
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by BB-Dagger » Fri Sep 15, 2017 5:58 pm

I was just sitting down on the bed last night pulling my boxers off and my wife said.......

You spoil those dogs :o

BB-Dagger
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by BB-Dagger » Fri Sep 29, 2017 2:19 pm

Former US President George W Bush gets out of his helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby pig under each arm. The marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir." Indignant, Dubya replies, "These are not pigs, these are Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for President Trump, and I got one for the Attorney General Jefferson Sessions." The marine snaps to attention again, salutes and says: "Nice trade, sir."

The Romford Dagger
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by The Romford Dagger » Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:05 pm

It's not a Friday but fück it:

There's only three types of people: those that can count and those that can't.
Last edited by The Romford Dagger on Fri Dec 08, 2017 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Auntie Merge
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by Auntie Merge » Tue Oct 03, 2017 12:05 am

10 green bottles standing on the wall
10 green bottles standing on the wall
And if one green bottle should accidentally fall

I'd have to clear up the mess and buy another green bottle .......... man OCD sucks

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Auntie Merge
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by Auntie Merge » Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:41 pm

My friend can only sleep on stacks of magazines.
He’s got back issues.

Chigwellian
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Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 5:18 pm

Re: Friday Jokes

Post by Chigwellian » Wed Dec 13, 2017 11:14 am

My mate has sponge & custard in one ear and jelly and cream in the other

He is a trifle deaf

BB-Dagger
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by BB-Dagger » Sun Dec 31, 2017 5:55 pm

Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Southend beach yesterday? Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Police turned up and the copper had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the copper then he started hitting the copper and the woman with it!



Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

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Auntie Merge
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by Auntie Merge » Wed Jan 03, 2018 9:35 pm

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies.

But before you know it, you’re adding raisins and marshmallows.

It’s a rocky road.

BB-Dagger
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by BB-Dagger » Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:17 pm

There's a redhead, a brunette and a blonde in the hospital maternity ward all ready to give birth.
The redhead says "I'm going to have a boy because my husband was on top during conception and my Gran told me that this is how you can determine the gender of your baby"

The brunette says "I'm going to have a girl then if that's the case, because my husband was underneath during conception"

The blonde thinks for a moment and says "Oh no! I think I'm going to have puppies"!

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Auntie Merge
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by Auntie Merge » Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:51 pm

:lol:

There was a terrible accident on the motorway today.
The fire brigade and ambulance staff had to cut a female out of a car.
‘Where are you bleeding from?’ They asked.
‘I’m from bleeding Romford! What’s it got to do with you?!’

daggersjeff
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Re: Friday Jokes

Post by daggersjeff » Tue Feb 20, 2018 11:30 am

Bloke sees a sign outside a house "Talking Dog For Sale" He knocks on the door and the guy directs him to the back garden. the man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. "do you really talk?" he asks. the dog replies "yes". After recovering form the shock of hearing the dog talk, the Man says "So, tell me your story"
The Labrador looks up at him and says" Well I discovered I could talk at a pretty young age. I wanted to help the government so I joined the SAS. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in meetings with world leaders and spies because no one could imagine a dog could be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for 8 years. But the jetting around was really tiring me out and knowing I wasn't getting any younger, I settled down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow, to do undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible plots and was awarded several medals as a result. I got married, had a few puppies and now Ive just retired"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid!" the owner says.
"£10? but the dog is absolutely amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying *****! He's never been out of the garden!"

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