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Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 12:08 pm
by Auntie Merge
Anyone got any jokes? Not excessively rude ones please.

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:22 pm
by BB-Dagger
Transfer window now closed, Liverpool fans are unhappy they didn't get Bale but they're back in court again Monday to try again.

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 5:50 am
by The Romford Dagger
It's national awareness day next week. I had no idea.

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:07 pm
by Auntie Merge
:D

Alfred, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Alfred goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Alfred, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Alfred, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:58 pm
by BB-Dagger
I was just sitting down on the bed last night pulling my boxers off and my wife said.......

You spoil those dogs :o

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:19 pm
by BB-Dagger
Former US President George W Bush gets out of his helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby pig under each arm. The marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Nice pigs, sir." Indignant, Dubya replies, "These are not pigs, these are Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for President Trump, and I got one for the Attorney General Jefferson Sessions." The marine snaps to attention again, salutes and says: "Nice trade, sir."

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2017 10:05 pm
by The Romford Dagger
It's not a Friday but fück it:

There's only three types of people: those that can count and those that can't.

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2017 11:05 pm
by Auntie Merge
10 green bottles standing on the wall
10 green bottles standing on the wall
And if one green bottle should accidentally fall

I'd have to clear up the mess and buy another green bottle .......... man OCD sucks

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 1:41 pm
by Auntie Merge
My friend can only sleep on stacks of magazines.
He’s got back issues.

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2017 11:14 am
by Chigwellian
My mate has sponge & custard in one ear and jelly and cream in the other

He is a trifle deaf

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 5:55 pm
by BB-Dagger
Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Southend beach yesterday? Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off. Police turned up and the copper had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the copper then he started hitting the copper and the woman with it!



Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages....

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 9:35 pm
by Auntie Merge
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies.

But before you know it, you’re adding raisins and marshmallows.

It’s a rocky road.

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:17 pm
by BB-Dagger
There's a redhead, a brunette and a blonde in the hospital maternity ward all ready to give birth.
The redhead says "I'm going to have a boy because my husband was on top during conception and my Gran told me that this is how you can determine the gender of your baby"

The brunette says "I'm going to have a girl then if that's the case, because my husband was underneath during conception"

The blonde thinks for a moment and says "Oh no! I think I'm going to have puppies"!

Re: Friday Jokes

PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 9:51 pm
by Auntie Merge
:lol:

There was a terrible accident on the motorway today.
The fire brigade and ambulance staff had to cut a female out of a car.
‘Where are you bleeding from?’ They asked.
‘I’m from bleeding Romford! What’s it got to do with you?!’